"Haim Aherim" Oh,shame

TRANSLATION OF AN ARTICLE WRITTEN BY LIAT BARKAN AND PRINTED IN THE ISRAELI MAGAZINE FOR COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE, MYSTICISM, AND ALTERNATIVE THINKING “Haim Aherim”, APRIL 2002.


OH, WHAT A SHAME!

YOU’RE STUCK IN THE INNERMOST CORNER OF YOUR INNER ROOM. THERE YOU FIND THE ECHOES OF VOICES AND IMAGES OF YOUR KINDERGARTEN TEACHER, YOUR MOTHER, THE GANG FROM THE CLASS, YOUR FATHER. THERE YOU FIND A PILE OF LITTLE FAILURES AND EMBARRASSMENTS FROM THE PAST, AND ONE MISERABLE, SHRUNK HEART. IN THIS SPACE YOU FEEL FULL OF SHAME, SOMETIMES TO THE UTMOST DEPTH OF YOUR SOUL, AND NOW, THIS SHAME – A HIDDEN TYRANT – RUNS YOUR INNER AND OUTER LIFE.

TSILA AND YAEL, WHO HAVE MET SHAME UP CLOSE, ARE CONDUCTING A WORKSHOP ON RELEASING SHAME, WHERE A GROUP OF PEOPLE IS WORKING TOGETHER FOR SOME TIME TO FACE SUBJECTS THEY NEVER DARED FACING.

WHEN I START TALKING ABOUT SHAME I AM FILLED WITH PLEASURE AND JOY. DOESN’T THAT SOUND ODD TO YOU?

IN THE GALLERY OF THE MOST DISGUSTING FEELINGS, SHAME IS A WINNER! THERE ISN’T A MORE APPALLING PLACE THAN WHEN I AM ASHAMED OF MY MOTHER, MY CHILD, OR MY PARTNER. AND THERE ISN’T A MORE SHRIVELLING AND INHIBITING PLACE THAN WHEN I AM FEELING ASHAMED OF MYSELF, OF WHO I AM.

TSILA PIRAN-KARNI AND YAEL ROHDE, TWO HEALERS, OPENED A WORKSHOP FOR RELEASING AND HEALING SHAME A YEAR AGO. IT EMERGED OUT OF THEIR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND FROM THE TEACHINGS OF LAZARIS. THE AIM OF THE WORKSHOP, SHORTLY PUT, IS TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE PLACE WHERE OUR SECRETS ARE HIDDEN AND STORED, TO DIG IN THE GROUND AROUND THE ROOT, PULL IT OUT, CLEANSE THE HOLE FROM RESIDUE, FILL IT UP WITH NEW SOIL, PUT IN A SEED, SAY A BLESSING, GO HOME, DIE OF FEAR AND AWAIT THE RAIN.

SO WHY AM I FILLED WITH PLEASURE? FIRSTLY MAYBE I AM JUST A STRANGE PERSON, AND SECONDLY BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT.

IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE AN EXTRA ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE AND IT IS VERY FILTHY, FULL OF GARBAGE THAT WAS LEFT BY OLD TENANTS. THE WALLS ARE FULL OF OILSTAINS WHERE FLIES GET STUCK. THE FLOOR IS FULL OF STINKING HALF -ROTTEN SOCKS. THE WINDOWS ARE STUCK AND COVERED WITH UGLY BLACK PAPER AND THE SHUTTERS….-DO YOU GET THE PICTURE? IT IS SO DISGUSTING THERE THAT IT IS REALLY SCARY TO OPEN THE DOOR.

NOW SUPPOSE YOU CHOSE A WEEKEND, GOT UP EARLY, DARED TO COME IN, LIT SOME INCENCE AND COLLECTED ALL OF THE DECAYING AND ROTTING STUFF WITH BOTH HANDS. YOU TOOK IT OUT AND THREW IT AWAY. YOU WASHED EVERYTHING, PAINTED THE WALL ORANGE, PUT IN A CARPET, CURTAINS AND A LAMPSHADE, AND YOU OPENED THE WINDOWS SO YOU COULD SEE THE SEA. NOW YOU’RE GOING TO USE THIS ROOM FOR HEALING, OR AS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN TEACH SOMEONE TO PLAY THE GUITAR, OR TURN THE ROOM INTO A DARK ROOM BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED ONE. WOULDN’T YOUR LIFE BE FILLED WITH JOY THEN?

THE WORKSHOP
PARTICIPATING IN THIS WORKSHOP ABOUT RELEASING SHAME WAS FOR ME LIKE STARTING TO LIVE WITH AN EXTRA ROOM IN THE HOUSE. IT IS A ROOM OF DREAMS, COURAGE, AND A LOT OF TRUTH.

BUT WHY IS SHAME SO IMPORTANT? WHAT IS SHAME ANYHOW?

THIS IS A STORY I REMEMBER THAT TSILA TOLD AT THE FIRST MEETING: ”YESTERDAY”, SHE SAID, ”I SAT AT MY COMPUTER TO WORK ON THE MATERIAL OF THIS MEETING WHEN THE COMPUTER WENT BERSERK. SUDDENLY IT ENLARGED THE DOCUMENT THAT I WAS WORKING ON ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES, AND THEN GOT STUCK. NONE OF THE KEYS RESPONDED, THE TOOLBARS HAD DISAPPEARED, LEAVING ONLY THE LOWEST CORNER AND A FEW HUGE LETTERS VISIBLE. BECAUSE IT WAS VERY LATE AND I COULDN’T CALL ANYONE, I TRIED TO PERSUADE IT TO COOPERATE BUT IT DIDN’T. ONLY LATE AT NIGHT DID WE MANAGE TO GET INTO THE SAFE MODE WHERE THE COMPUTER’S BASIC KNOWLEDGE OF ITSELF IS STORED. ONLY FROM THERE WAS IT POSSIBLE TO CHANGE DEFINITIONS AND RESTART.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT AN INDIAN SHAMAN WHO COMES OUT OF HIS TENT AND SEES A FLYING EAGLE, A BLOOMING TREE OR A FALLING STAR. NATURE BRINGS HIM CLUES AND ANSWERS. I AM NOT AN INDIAN SHAMAN BUT I HAVE A COMPUTER AND COMPUTERS TALK AS WELL AS TREES AND STARS, YOU KNOW.

THE COMPUTER DEMONSTRATED WHAT SHAME DOES TO OUR PERCEPTION. WHAT I AM ASHAMED OF, GETS ENLARGED A HUNDRED TIMES. I AM STUCK WITH THE TWISTED PICTURE OF MY HUGE NOSE, MY UGLINESS, MY STUPIDITY, MY CLUMSINESS, OR MY LACK OF TALENT. I AM SURE THAT THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE FIRST OF ALL SEE AND THAT IT DOESN’T LET THEM SEE ANYTHING ELSE. IN MY OWN EYES THIS TWISTED PICTURE THAT I AM STUCK WITH TURNS ME INTO SOMEONE UNDESERVING OF LOVE, RESPECT, OR HAPPINESS.

SINCE I MUST RECEIVE LOVE, RESPECT AND HAPPINESS I NEED TO HIDE THIS SHAME, AND LIKE GIRLS WHO IN ORDER TO HIDE THEIR TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL BREASTS WILL ROUND THEIR SHOULDERS, I TWIST SOMETHING IN ME IN ORDER TO HIDE THE SOURCE OF MY SHAME. THIS ATTEMPT TO CONCEAL, AFFECTS MY WHOLE LIFE. I DON’T DARE GETTING CLOSE TO ANYTHING OR ANYONE THAT MIGHT EXPOSE ME, AND WHOLE AREAS WHERE I COULD HAVE BEEN FULFILLED STAY LOCKED AND OFF-LIMITS. THIS IS THE LOCKED ROOM. AND WHAT I WANT TO DO IS TO REDISCOVER MY SAFE MODE WHERE I COULD CHANGE THE DEFINITIONS THAT I HAVE PUT ON MYSELF AT SOME POINT IN THE PAST AND START LIVING AND EXPERIENCING THINGS DIFFERENTLY.”

TSILA PIRAN-KARNI IS A HEALER, USING ALTERNATIVE THERAPIES, WORKING ON SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MORE THAN 25 YEARS. YAEL ROHDE IS ORIGINALLY A PHYSIOTHERAPIST WHO TURNED TO THE ALTERNATIVE FIELD AND HAS BEEN A ONE BRAIN FACILITATOR AND THERAPIST SINCE 1991.

TO DESCRIBE THEM MORE PRECISELY: TSILA IS A WOMAN WHO DRINKS HER MORNING COFFEE WITH THE WITCHES, AND YAEL IS A WOMAN WHO DRINKS HER EVENING COFFEE WITH THE FAIRIES, AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FRIGHTENING AND BAD WITCHES OR THE IRRITATING FAIRIES, BUT ABOUT THE AMAZING HEALING WITCHES AND THE CHARMING, HELPFUL FAIRIES. BUT THESE ARE MY PRIVATE ASSOCIATIONS.

TSILA PIRAN-KARNI AND YAEL ROHDE STARTED THEIR PRIVATE JOURNEY TO THE ROOTS OF SHAME MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO WHEN THEY FIRST GOT ACQUAINTED WITH THE LAZARIS MATERIAL. LAZARIS IS AN ENTITY WHO HAS BEEN CHANNELED BY THE AMERICAN JACH PURSEL SINCE 1974. THE INFORMATION THAT HE GIVES IS TAPED AND IT ALWAYS INCLUDES THEORETICAL MATERIAL, GUIDED MEDITATION AND TECHNIQUES. TSILA PIRAN-KARNI SAYS THAT SHE NEVER CAME ACROSS MATERIAL THAT SATISFIED HER SO MUCH INTELLECTUALLY AND ENERGETICALLY. THEY REGARD LAZARIS AS A FRIEND AND NOT AS A GURU. TSILA SAYS THAT HE BRINGS A LOT OF LOVE AND YAEL MENTIONS THAT HE HAS GOT A VERY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.

LAZARIS FOCUSES A LOT ON THE SUBJECT OF SHAME. TSILA AND YAEL RECOUNT THAT CONFRONTING THE SUBJECT WAS VERY DIFFICULT AT THE BEGINNING. ONE OF THE REASONS THEY BELIEVE DEALING WITH SHAME SHOULD BE DONE IN A GROUP AND NOT IN ONE-TO-ONE SESSIONS IS THAT THIS MATERIAL IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH ALONE. WHEN THEY STARTED WORKING TOGETHER ON THIS SUBJECT THEY FOUND THAT THE MUTUAL WORK GAVE THEM MORE COURAGE AND ENLARGED THE CAPACITY FOR GOING DEEPER. THEY HAVE DONE ENERGETIC WORK, EXERCISES AND MEDITATIONS AND HAVE EXPERIENCED CHANGES THAT FASCINATED THEM. THEY BOTH SAY THEY FEEL THEY HAVE COME ACROSS MATERIAL THAT COULD SIMPLY CHANGE ANY PERSON AND HAVE AN AFFECT ON ALL HUMANITY. AND STILL THEY NEEDED MANY YEARS AND A LOT OF COURAGE IN ORDER TO DECIDE TO TURN THEIR PRIVATE INVESTIGATION INTO A PRACTICAL COURSE.

NON-DECAYING MATERIAL
THE WORKSHOP “RELEASING SHAME” STARTED AS 3 MEETINGS THAT TURNED INTO 6 AND THEN INTO 12, AND IT SEEMED LIKE THEY HAD MATERIAL FOR A FEW YEARS OF STUDY. WE WERE ONLY 12, MOSTLY WOMEN, AND THAT ENABLED ME AT LEAST TO FEEL SAFER IN DEALING WITH SHAMEFUL EXPERIENCES FROM THE PAST AROUND THE SUBJECT OF SEXUALITY. TSILA AND YAEL EMPHASIZE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE WORKSHOP THAT IT IS NOT THE INTENTION OF THE WORKSHOP TO CREATE NEW SHAME AND THEREFORE IF SOMEONE IS NOT YET READY TO SHARE THERE IS NO POINT TO TRY DOING IT FORCEFULLY (ANYHOW, MY INNER DEFENCE MECHANISM WILL NOT LET ME. I’LL SIMPLY FALL ASLEEP DURING THE MEDITATION OR FIND THAT I DIDN’T LISTEN TO WHAT WAS SAID). ON THE OTHER HAND SOMETIMES THE POSSIBILITY OF SHARING AN EXPERIENCE WITH A SUPPORTIVE CIRCLE AND NOT JUST WITH A SINGLE THERAPIST CAN HAVE A HIGHER THERAPEUTICAL VALUE. A WOMAN WHO HAS EXPERIENCED ABUSE OR RAPE AND WHO SHARES THIS EXPERIENCE WITH A CIRCLE OF PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES WHO WITHIN A COUPLE OF WEEKS TURNED INTO LOVING, SUPPORTING, AND STRENGTHENING PARTNERS OF THE JOURNEY, CAN USE THIS EXPERIENCE TO REALLY BECOME FREE. THERE WERE MANY TIMES WHEN A PERSON SHARED THE UTMOST SECRET FROM HER PAST ONLY TO FIND THAT MANY OTHERS HAD GONE THROUGH VERY SIMILAR EXPERIENCES AND THIS HELPED DEALING WITH THE SHAME. THE FACT THAT THERE WERE MEN AROUND HELPED TO TURN THE SECRET OR THE TRAUMA FROM SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SHARED ONLY BY WOMEN TO AN UNDERSTANDING THAT I CAN SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD. IT STOPS IT FROM BEING A SECRET, SOMETHING THAT YOU HIDE BECAUSE IT IS FULL OF SHAME.

TSILA EMPHASIZES THAT TERRIBLE SECRETS FROM THE PAST ARE NOT EXCLUSIVELY A RESULT OF SEXUAL ABUSE OR TRAUMAS. MANY CHILDREN OR ADOLESCENTS UNDERWENT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES BUT BECAUSE IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUAL ABUSE THEY DID’NT EVEN LET THEMSELVES ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT WAS A TRAUMA, BUT DENIED OR RIDICULED IT.

WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT A PSYCHOLOGICAL GROUP THERAPY BUT A VERY PERSONAL JOURNEY THAT I DID WITH THE HELP OF THE GROUP. SOMETIMES ONE OF THE PARTICIPANTS COULD SEE SOMETHING THAT I REFUSED TO SEE. THERE WAS A SYNERGY CREATED IN THE ROOM AND IT TURNED MAGICAL.

BUT WHY DID I SAY THAT IT HAS SUCH GREAT IMPORTANCE AND CAN AFFECT THE WHOLE HUMANITY? I PREFER THAT TSILA AND YAEL WILL ANSWER.

YAEL: ”ONE OF THE CHARACTERISTICS OF SHAME IS THAT IT IS UNDECAYING, THAT IT PRESERVES ITSELF. SHAME CREATES A PHYSICAL FEELING IN THE BODY THAT IS VERY HARD TO ENDURE AND BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO GET RID OF IT, HE DUMPS IT IMMEDIATELY ON SOMEBODY ELSE. USUALLY IT IS DUMPED ON OUR CLOSE ONES. WE DUMP SHAME ON OUR CHILDREN WHEN WE MAKE REMARKS ON THE WAY THEY ARE DRESSED, THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS AT SCHOOL, OR THEIR BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC.

FOR EXAMPLE: A CHILD CAN BE RUDE, BREAK SOMETHING OR TOUCH HIS GENITALS BUT THE CHILD DOESN’T MEAN TO BE BAD. A MOTHER WHO FEELS FULL OF SHAME WILL BE AFRAID TO BE CONSIDERED A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE OF HER CHILD’S BEHAVIOR AND THEREFORE DUMPS HER SHAME ON THE CHILD BY LETTING HIM UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS FLAWED. HIS BODY GETS FILLED WITH SHAME AND HE IN TURN WILL DUMP IT ON ANOTHER CHILD OR A YOUNGER BROTHER WHO DOES SOMETHING SIMILAR. IN THAT WAY ALL OF HUMANITY ABSORBS SHAME FROM EARLY CHILDHOOD. THIS DISGUSTING EMOTION IS PASSED ON FROM PERSON TO PERSON. THE AIM OF THE WORKSHOP IS TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, TO LOCATE OUR SHAME, AND TO RELEASE IT SO OUR LIFE WILL CHANGE AND WE WON’T HURT ANYONE ANYMORE BY DUMPING OUR SHAME ON HIM.”

TSILA: “NOT THAT 12 OR 24 MEETINGS WILL GET RID OF SHAME IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE BUT I DO GET RID OF A BIG PART. THE AIM OF THE WORKSHOP IS TO LEARN TO WORK WITH SHAME, BOTH THE SHAME THAT I HAVE BROUGHT WITH ME FROM THE PAST AND THE SHAME THAT IS HAPPENING IN THE PRESENT. LEARN TO WORK ON THE SHAME THAT WAS DUMPED ON ME AND ALSO THE SHAME THAT I HAVE DUMPED ON OTHERS OR STILL DO.

SHAME FROM THE PAST CAN BE A VERY STRONG BLOCKAGE IN LIFE AND RELEASING IT CAN BRING TREMENDOUS CHANGE, GROWING, AND RENEWAL. WHEN I LEARN TO IDENTIFY “SITUATIONS OF SHAME” A LOT OF NEW AND AMAZING MOMENTS ARE CREATED IN MY LIFE. WHEN I UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME IN THE HERE AND NOW I CAN STOP IMMEDIATELY: IF SOMEONE INFLICTS SHAME ON ME I CAN REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT, REFUSE TO GET HURT AGAIN. IF I AM DOING IT TO ANOTHER I CAN STOP DOING IT, STOP THE HABIT, APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I DID, TAKE IT BACK AND FORGIVE MYSELF.

SOMETIMES THIS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TAKES SECONDS, SOMETIMES MINUTES OR HOURS BUT NOT MANY YEARS ANY MORE. I LEARN MORE AND MORE TO BREAK THE CHAIN EVEN IF IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS.

THIS HEALING PROCESS EFFECTS OUR INNER REALITY (THE WAY WE FEEL ABOUT OUR SELVES) AS WELL AS WHAT WE PROJECT TO THE OUTER REALITY (THE THINGS WE DO AND THE RELATIONSHIPS WE HAVE). THAT IS WHY IT CAN CHANGE HUMANITY. IMAGINE YOURSELF RAISING YOUR CHILDREN WITHOUT FEEDING THEM WITH SHAME OF WHO THEY ARE, OF THEIR CHOICES, DESIRES, SUCCESSES AND FAILURES. AND THEN THIS IS HOW THEY WILL RAISE THEIR CHILDREN. IMAGINE THAT YOU CAN RE-PARENT YOURSELF ALL OVER. THE PAST CAN BE HEALED AND IT CAN STOP CONTROLLING YOUR PRESENT.”

THE FAINTED SHAME
MY EXPERIENCE FROM THE WORKSHOP IS VERY STRONG. I COMPLETED IT A YEAR AGO SO I CAN ALSO TALK ABOUT THE OUTCOMES. THE CHANGE THAT I FEEL EXPRESSES ITSELF IN ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE. IT DIDN’T COME IMMEDIATELY, BUT TODAY I AM STRONGER AND I DO MORE. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! I AM A ROARING LION! MY PRIVATE SHAME HAS A LANGUAGE THAT I IDENTIFY FROM AFAR. IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS: ”YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR THAT. IT WON’T WORK, DON’T TRY; DON’T EVEN LET ANYONE KNOW THAT YOU EVEN CONSIDERED IT. I AM HERE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. DON’T MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF AND YOU HAD BETTER HEAR IT FROM ME THAN FROM ANYONE ELSE.”

AN EXAMPLE: I HAD THIS IDEA OF WRITING TO THIS NEWSPAPER. SHE (MY SHAME) SAT ON MY COMPUTER, HIDING MY SCREEN WITH HER LEGS, AND SAID: ”YOU? WRITING? EVERYBODY WILL HATE IT. YOU HAVE THIS PATRONIZING STYLE AND A BANAL WORLD OF IMAGES.” I LEFT THE COMPUTER AND WENT TO EAT. THEN LATE AT NIGHT I SNEAKED BACK, I HIT HER ON THE HEAD, WROTE VERY QUICKLY, AND WENT TO SLEEP. IN THE MEANTIME SHE IS STILL UNCONSCIOUS. WAIT AND SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN BETWEEN US TOMORROW.